What is Unhealthy... Really?
This blog can be a touchy subject, so I'm warning my readers upfront. The topic has to do with unhealthy relationships and why we stay in them. If you feel that reading this may cause feelings of sadness or regret, please don't continue. If you are curious enough to take a chance, then please - read on!
An acquaintence of mine is planning to get married next year. She's got the dress, the photographer, the flowers, the maid of honor; all of the WEDDING necessities. However, the one important piece of the upcoming MARRIAGE is missing... love for her fiance! She has even admitted that she feels uncertain about making the commitment to be married to him forever and ever...
So, why do people 'take the plunge' with someone they aren't sure they love? Or, let's take it one step down and ask why some people stay in a relationship - be it romantic or otherwise - that just isn't fulfilling in any way?
I've been in those situations, both romantically and with long-time friends. I am sure many of us have experienced at least one of these relationships since it's a common progression through our teen years and young adulthood. We meet new people, forge friendships and relationships, and sometimes they last... while others seem to fade away. Regardless of the ups and downs, why do many of us feel the need to keep those bonds that are simply tearing us down all the time?
I could launch into a deep psychological analysis of this question, but that wouldn't be very enjoyable for most of us. :) So, let me look closer to the surface and see if this makes more sense... I think the general response is that most of us just don't like to let people down. We hate to disappoint others (sometimes even strangers!).
So, when we are feeling like any relationship has become one-sided; or that it is starting to deplete our self-esteem; or we are giving away all our money to help the other person without being reimbursed; or it's always us making that call and never receiving one from him/her; or we've noticed a dwindle in the spark; or we don't respect that person's behavior anymore; or we are being abused in any sense of the word; or gosh, we just don't love that person anymore... why is it so difficult to end an unhealthy relationship?
I can look back on some of my own situations now, and see the writing on the wall. But, why was it so difficult for me to see while I was in those relationships? I had people telling me to get out for various reasons, but excuses were so easy to create for my decision to stay. Now I realize that I just didn't want to hurt the other person's feelings. Rejection is a cruel thing; none of us wants to be rejected for any reason - be it a job, a friendship, a date, a wedding proposal, etc. But, one thing my husband has taught me is that self-respect, self-love, and self-honesty are crucial to maintaining healthy relationships. If you are involved with someone - be it an employer or a lover - who is not respecting you, loving you, or treating you fairly, then it is okay to remove yourself from that relationship.
It is not always easy to leave... especially if it's a long-term relationship. But, staying in unhealthy relationships for whatever reason is a habit that needs to be broken. Putting ourselves first can be a daunting choice at times, but when it comes to our emotional, psychological, and physical health, we must always remember to do it.
Think of it conversely - if your partner dumped you in high school for someone else, did you eventually get over it? Hopefully! We heal. We may grieve for a while, but eventually time will help us to heal those wounds of rejection.... and so will it for those people we need to leave behind because they are making our lives unhealthy.
If you are in an unhealthy relationship right now, please know that this blog is meant to help you see that things will be okay if you choose to leave. You and your other will eventually heal from the pain of the loss. Putting yourself first is so important for so many reasons. You can do it.
An acquaintence of mine is planning to get married next year. She's got the dress, the photographer, the flowers, the maid of honor; all of the WEDDING necessities. However, the one important piece of the upcoming MARRIAGE is missing... love for her fiance! She has even admitted that she feels uncertain about making the commitment to be married to him forever and ever...
So, why do people 'take the plunge' with someone they aren't sure they love? Or, let's take it one step down and ask why some people stay in a relationship - be it romantic or otherwise - that just isn't fulfilling in any way?
I've been in those situations, both romantically and with long-time friends. I am sure many of us have experienced at least one of these relationships since it's a common progression through our teen years and young adulthood. We meet new people, forge friendships and relationships, and sometimes they last... while others seem to fade away. Regardless of the ups and downs, why do many of us feel the need to keep those bonds that are simply tearing us down all the time?
I could launch into a deep psychological analysis of this question, but that wouldn't be very enjoyable for most of us. :) So, let me look closer to the surface and see if this makes more sense... I think the general response is that most of us just don't like to let people down. We hate to disappoint others (sometimes even strangers!).
So, when we are feeling like any relationship has become one-sided; or that it is starting to deplete our self-esteem; or we are giving away all our money to help the other person without being reimbursed; or it's always us making that call and never receiving one from him/her; or we've noticed a dwindle in the spark; or we don't respect that person's behavior anymore; or we are being abused in any sense of the word; or gosh, we just don't love that person anymore... why is it so difficult to end an unhealthy relationship?
I can look back on some of my own situations now, and see the writing on the wall. But, why was it so difficult for me to see while I was in those relationships? I had people telling me to get out for various reasons, but excuses were so easy to create for my decision to stay. Now I realize that I just didn't want to hurt the other person's feelings. Rejection is a cruel thing; none of us wants to be rejected for any reason - be it a job, a friendship, a date, a wedding proposal, etc. But, one thing my husband has taught me is that self-respect, self-love, and self-honesty are crucial to maintaining healthy relationships. If you are involved with someone - be it an employer or a lover - who is not respecting you, loving you, or treating you fairly, then it is okay to remove yourself from that relationship.
It is not always easy to leave... especially if it's a long-term relationship. But, staying in unhealthy relationships for whatever reason is a habit that needs to be broken. Putting ourselves first can be a daunting choice at times, but when it comes to our emotional, psychological, and physical health, we must always remember to do it.
Think of it conversely - if your partner dumped you in high school for someone else, did you eventually get over it? Hopefully! We heal. We may grieve for a while, but eventually time will help us to heal those wounds of rejection.... and so will it for those people we need to leave behind because they are making our lives unhealthy.
If you are in an unhealthy relationship right now, please know that this blog is meant to help you see that things will be okay if you choose to leave. You and your other will eventually heal from the pain of the loss. Putting yourself first is so important for so many reasons. You can do it.
Comments
While change may be the hardest thing - it will come, and it will be (thank you Collective Soul). It just takes some people a lot longer to figure it out!